I wannas sexs uuuuu
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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