so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
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He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
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i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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