I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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