Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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