guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
