God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
