I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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