If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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