my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
