I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
