TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
