theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
