My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
