Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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