I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
