Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
