i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
