: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i love accidental penises.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
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literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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