I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
