I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
