omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
