So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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