I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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