Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
