I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
