I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
