you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
