I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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