so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
