He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
