Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
