worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
