I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
