I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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