Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
