the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
