jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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