just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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