You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
