And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
