my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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