I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
