Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
