dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
