those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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