My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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