just come out here and I will go home with you...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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