jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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