I just gift wrapped bread.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
