I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
