just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
