I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My first STD was from a foam party
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
