$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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