There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Someone shattered a urinal.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
