in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
