Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
